Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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