I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
