fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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