It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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