I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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