you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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