Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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