Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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