you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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