When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
