Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I AM VODKA MAN
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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