Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
