So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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