my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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