You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
