he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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