Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize