i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
