It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
