God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
