I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
