I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I checked into jail on foursquare
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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