I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
