We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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