How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
