Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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