saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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