my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
