DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
