can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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