we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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