I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
