I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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