i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
