U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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