Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
