Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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