just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
