They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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