You smell like a Billy Joel song
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
