New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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