i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
