I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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