My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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