everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
