Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
