Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
