i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
