Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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