BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
