He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
