never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
