he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
