I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
