Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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