My sheets look like a crime scene.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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