I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
