Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
